Self definition. For better or for worse.

1 year and 8 months post chemotherapy.
I am not who I was.
It was easy, if not naive, to think that I would return to the way I was before after the chemotherapy was over. It was easy to believe, that after a few weeks or months of “recovery”, I would be the same. I knew better, deep down inside. But I suppose, the idea of returning to my “normal” was a coping mechanism.
I am not who I was before chemotherapy, before cancer.
I will never be who I was. This is true for most of us, as we progress through life I suppose. But the change is usually more gradual.
For better or for worse, I am changed.
I am still learning how to co-exist with this body; it’s shape, it’s movement, it’s limitations.
It takes longer to do…everything. I can’t move like I used to. I don’t recover the way I used to.
Even my mind is different. I get lost more easily. I can’t focus. I forget.
Recovery is the hardest part of dealing with cancer. Can you believe it?
In some ways, chemotherapy was easier than trying to navigate, cope and learn how to live with a body and a brain that is very unfamiliar.
In the meantime life goes on. I’m not sure if it was the “World” or myself (both?) that expected me to go back to “the way things were”, as though none of it had ever happened.
 1 year and 8 months.  I know that may seem “long enough”, and that I should be over it by now.  That I’m making excuses,  that I should be back to normal.
It has taken me this long to realize that will never be possible.
For better or for worse, I am changed.
Some of the world doesn’t care. Work. Bills. Strangers.
But for those of you who do, try to be patient and make room for the new me.
I am forgetful, unfocused and slower these days. But I also would like to think I’m a bit more empathetic and thankful.
For better or for worse.
Be patient. I’m trying.
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s